GOD KNOWS WHO I AM

One day I was walking back from the Cafeteria with some of my friends from school. As we walked down the hill, I realized something that stroke my mind, and my heart indeed. We were on our way to the dorms, but there was something special this time. I was thinking in Costa Rica the place were I was born. My culture, my nation, my traditions, and who I am collapsed one with the other.
My mind went blank, and in matter of seconds all my life passed before my eyes giving me a confirmation of who I am. One of the flashbacks I had was when I was sitting with my dad one day in a park. It was my birthday, and he bought me a pair of yellow boots. Then he took me out for an ice cream. I was little, but somehow I knew how hard my dad worked for bringing food, and happiness to my mom and brothers. The ice cream meant a lot to me, but surprisingly after finishing the ice cream he took me to the store. We walked around the store until we found the toys/games section. He told me, "Pick any car you want" My little heart started bouncing so hard that I thought I was going to explode. My eyes search for the coolest car. Oh my... I saw it. It was a blue monster truck with remote control. I wanted that one so badly. I knew that by picking that car I would be the coolest kid in my school. I knew my dad would it buy that for me, even if that would it mean to work overnight three times a week. I walk towards the car while thinking in my dad. My heart was still beating fast, and hard. I passed by the blue monster truck, and pick a yellow small car that had the cable attached to the car and the remote, the one that you have to walked behind it all the time. My dad looked at me and said, "Are you sure this is the car you want?" I was afraid he knew. I force my smile my excitement and the glare in my eyes and said, "Yes daddy this is the one I like" He knew it, but he smile and said "Thank you Macho"...

That is who I am. Since that day the little yellow car was so important for me. I probably at some point broke my dream of having an awesome car in order to get my fathers love (that was already there)
Several times I pretended to be sick to stay with my mom since I knew she would feel lonely without my dad that was working, my brothers that were in school and without his baby that was in kinder garden already.
Another time during my process as a teenager, I decided with my brothers to give our parents time and love to kids that needed one. Me and my brothers again broke our hearts and time to give others one of the most precious things we had: our parents love and time. And the story goes on and on... And also the results too. I let my little friend use my car, because he was sad one day, and he accidentally broke it. I worked extra in home for pretending to be sick (this is funny), I lost my parents attention, and love for 4 years when others got it.

You know what, This is who I am, and I love being who I am. I brake my heart for others, just as one man did it for the entire humanity once. I walk slow because in Costa Rica we walk slow. I drink coffee slowly because in Costa Rica that is how we do it. I am friendly and lovely to everyone because this is how we are in Costa Rica, but more important than that, because God made me this way. Yes God made me this way, but I chose to change for the people I love. I will change for you, for anyone. I love my new friends here in California, my Church, my school.

I am Macho, and when I am weak, my God is strong. There is nothing that can stand against me, because my God is bigger than anything. My heartbeats are still strong. They are faster, stronger and louder when someone I care is around me. This is who God made me. I am part of him and he is part of me. In Costa Rica or America, in Russia or China God is God, and his purpose in my life will be fulfilled if I walk slow or not, if you are here or not.

God is good all the time...

David Macho
Concordia University, 4/14/2011

The trip is over. Now what???

Something amazing I have being thinking now that I am back from the trip is that, before starting I have no expectations, no memories, no experiences and no souvenirs. Do I need them now? What do they mean to me now? There are some of them that bring amazing memories. There are others that are just trash, and with the time you will throw them away. Going back to my first thought, It is amazing to know that before this trip I did not carried with the things I am carrying now. Some of them are great some others are not.
What I am going to do with them is a mystery. Some of them are going to go to the trash can because they are already broken or because they do not tell a story. Others that do have a story will be storage in a little box in were every once in a while they will be pull out to be shown to family or friends.

I met a friend on my trip that became really close to me, and it sounds kinda stupid, but once you travel you realize that those kinda a friends did exist. Sometimes you will be sitting in the middle of the dessert with no one around you. It is in those moments when you can hear a little voice inside you, it is a voice that knows what you are thinking, what you did or not. Sometimes is kinda scary, like one day that I was walking by myself at 2am in the streets of Capadoccia,Turkey. I remember that that night I wanted to be by myself, there was a lot of things going on in my life, and my heart. I realized that I needed some time for myself. I walked a couple blocks, as I walk away from the hotel we were staying, the noise and the loudness of some bars and hooka places started to disappeared. I stopped in the middle of the street, there was nothing around me, no houses, no buildings, no people. I sat in the middle of an open area in where I pulled out on of my cigarettes(Camel by the way) lighted on and enjoyed. I have a short conversation with my friend, you guys do not need to know what was it about (it does not matter anymore) but that was the day, when my friend told me, "Don't do this, you have never done this before, and you do not need to" I was completely agree with that, but this time I wanted to. I wanted to give it all because I trusted in someone. "You don't need it" I know I don't - I said. Since that day until Jordan I had this argument with my friend. After Jordan he said "Okay you are alone in this. I can not go with you anymore. You do not need me" I didn't even say thank you to him. I was so so so blind. I finished my box of cigarettes that night in Capadoccia. I went back to my hotel were everyone was already in bed, but Erica. I walked by her, I said hi, and moved quickly to my room. I laid down on my bed and thought, "Freaking cigarettes, they make me hear voices..."

Today I was cleaning my room. The trip is over. Now what?
I started pulling stuff out of my desk, and as I was doing that I found some fun stuff: A candle(from Petra) A lighter(from Turkey) A card from China, a little rock (from the Red Sea) a candy(from Argentina) but I also found two things that really surprised me. One was my SIM card from China, and two a soft sound in the back of my ear that told me, "Hey now what? I told you not to do it" I said, "Oh hi friend its you again..." I threw some of my souvenirs, and things that were not that meaningful to me anymore. But I can not throw away the ones that are in my heart. The trip was amazing but right now, it is not looking like that to me. Today the trip feels heavy, dark, sad... I used to see it as a rainbow, but today it just look black and white. Today I am looking in each country the piece of my heart that I left there. I am trying to put the pieces together. I am trying to recover the strength, and the honor I had once. "Do not worry, You are fine, you are strong, you are Macho"
Today I am strong, today slowly I will try to fall sleep...

The trip is over. Now what... You are asking me to forget something that I do not want to forget. Now what? I can't throw away what you did. That is not my fault. You lifted me up to heaven and then dropped me into hell... "I told you that you didn't listen"
It is normal, that is what everyone says, but now what? ... People don't understand. The heart does, your body does when you don't sleep...

The trip is over, the backpack is empty, and the memories still remain. Which would I want to keep, and which I want to throw away? "You already know", Yes I guess so...

PS: This is just writing please if you read this unless you know the meaning behind, do not worry.

David Garcia
Concordia University.
4/11/2011, 11:18pm